Blogs are the Devil

today is the last day of my vacation. well, sort of. i'm now headed to a second vacation - the senior class trip in Florida. but honestly, i'm not really looking forward to it. the seniors are an extremely moody group. monday could be great and tuesday could be pure hell. or monday could be pure hell and tuesday could be pure hell. this first part of my vacation was what i was really looking forward to. i had big plans, as you can see a few posts down. i'm not even going to tell you what i actually accomplished from that list. wow, i suck so bad.

please send prozac.

so today is my final day and i'm feeling incredible pressure to get a lot accomplished before i leave. the problem is that i have a wedding to go to in about two hours. oddly enough, it's my first step-dad's third wedding...should be interesting.

i'll email you my address, if you have any to spare.

i had a good talk with shawn last night about blogging. it seems that the forum is dying. maybe it has been for a while. or maybe it's not dying, but going through some temporary lapse that will be resolved soon. it definitely goes through ups and downs. but why is it struggling? is it because we're all just growing farther apart and so we're less motivated to communicate? or is it something about that form of communication itself?

the benefit of the blog is that you can write about things you would never write on the forum. you don't just give 'here is what i'm up to today' kinds of posts on the forum, but you can do that on a blog. i feel as though i've been able to keep closer contact with shawn since we've been reading each other's blogs for the past couple of weeks (although, we've talked on the phone, too, so i'm sure that helps).

i've been listening to a mars hill audio cd lately (volume #75, to be exact. by the way, you people should subscribe to this. it's incredible. the topics of conversation are always fascinating and you end up being introduced to new ideas and new books that you'd probably never hear about otherwise. and if you're an auditory learner, like i think i am, listening to the journals is a really excellent way to learn and think.) and i was listening to an interview about the importance of language in being truly human. basically the guy was saying that having a particularized vocabulary* and having a fluent linguistic ability is essential in not only being able to precisely communicate with others, but also in being able to think fully about the world. he then went on to point out that communication technologies often have the tendency to dumb down language and communication. IM would be a fairly obvious example of this.

the question would then become: do blogs dumb down communication? i suppose the best way to answer that would be that they could. because of the speed by which you can type (which is part of wendell berry's argument for hand-writing all of his books) it is much easier to simply crap out words. it would be difficult to argue that the existance of e-mail has increased the quality of writing in the modern age. but it does not necessarily have to do that, right? i could conceivably put as much time and care into a blog entry as i could writing a hand-written letter (although the physical nature of a hand-written letter would make it much more personal and human, i would think). there have been stories of war prisoners who have been able to have significantly meaningful communication with their comrads only through a series of knocks on the prison walls. if meaningful communication can happen that way, surely it can happen online. so although the dangers of this kind of communication should not be ignored (which most people probably do), i don't necessarily think i should scrap it.

i think my idealism is fading with age.



*an interesting point that he made was that thinking Christians sometimes have the tendency to shy away from using particularized Christian language because it comes off like "Christianese," but that while we want to avoid cliches, having a language that is unique and not like the world's language is an important part of being counter-cultural Christians. that precise and theologically founded language (when it is not just empty cliches) actually helps our Christianity to be much more full and meaningful.

so my wife is thinking of starting a blog. any suggestions on what her blog address should be? and any suggestions on which kind of blog she should get (livejournal, blogspot, typepad, etc.)?

in my last prideful post i meant to write a little more about the content of the conversation we had with mike. one of the things that stood out is the difficulty in knowing what to do when you decide you really want to move forward in your Christian journey.

here are a couple options, i suppose:

• read your bible more. it's obviously an important part in being a follower of Jesus to read the words of His prophets and apostles (and the other random writings thrown in there), but, in a way, i wonder how much good that does people unless they're really getting educated in the Scriptures. but i realize that, at the end of the matter, it's just the right thing to do. but even if i were to encourage someone to do that, how would i encourage them? "hey, read your bible more."
  

• go to church. here's another winner, but i'm not exactly sure what good would really come from this, either. there's always this idea that church isn't just for you, but it's also a place for you to worship and give. i think this mentality is exactly right. but the problem is that most churches really only give someone a bench to sit on for an hour a week. unless the sermons really teach, what good is church most of the time? of course it doesn't have to be like that, but around here, that's pretty much all there is.

i'm too cynical. probably reading the bible and going to church is the best thing to tell someone, but for some reason, saying that would have felt so empty and false somehow. i don't know exactly why.

we had tiffany's brother (mike) and grandmother (grandmama) over for dinner last night. after grandmama (yes, that's what we call her) left, tiffany and i and mike had this really meaningful talk about Christianity and church and what it means to "move forward" in your own Christianity. mike really opened up about how he feels about things. he told us that we were some of the only people he knows that are able to be Christians and still be cool. i don't know exactly what that means, but i think i kind of understand. i think it's something like being a Christian without being awkward and over-spiritual and such. so being an evangelical, pretty much.

being told that, for me, conjures up much inner denial because i know of what a bastard i am. much of my realization of what (i think) Christianity is supposed to look like does not actually translate into my everyday life. probably most of it. and, as i was discussing with krissy the other day, reminds me that much of the "progression" i've had in terms of my own Christianity has been on accident, so to speak. how much of my knowledge of the Bible and what it truly means to be a Christian is a result of a passion to know Christ and how much of it has simply been being lucky enough to be around some really great people? how much of it has just been the priviledge of having religious schooling?

and yet a conversation like last night's is also very encouraging. in hopefully not a prideful sense, i do sort of feel like i've got a pretty good grasp on the Bible and Christianity (the scary thing about that is that's also the way i felt after my first year of word of life). maybe i'll find out in eternity that i really don't (maybe i've gone too far in the other direction and am not "peculiar" enough), but i feel very priviledged to not have followed down the Christian path that so many people do.

my friend jon actually told me something similar not that long ago. something like, "how did you go through the ultra-conservative schooling and upbringing that you had and still end up having so many level-headed perspectives?" my answer to him was just that i've ended up following the paths that i've found attractive. simple as that. the super-conservative ways never seemed like attractive ways of living, so i've looked for alternatives. and ultimately those alternatives have been embodied in many of my friends and mentors. i really can't take much of the credit.

you guys are my accountability partners.

today is the first day of my spring break and i have a nasty tendency. let me illustrate this tendency: this morning i slept in until 1pm. in my defense, i was up for a couple hours in the morning doing some reading - school reading, in fact. but nevertheless, i have the tendency to squander away my time off, whether it be a weekend off or a week off. the more time there is, the more time i waste.

i suppose it hasn't been too bad so far. last night i had several people over for poker and that was good times. i look at that kind of thing as being pretty valuable. and then this morning i did some reading for school. but trust me, if i don't purpose in my heart right now to use my break wisely, i certainly will not.

so what should i do? i've thought of making a list. that might work. the old 'here's all the stuff i want to accomplish this week' list. here's a possible rough draft:

1. spend some real quality time with tiffany. unfortunately, she's not able to come with me to florida next week on the senior class trip. : (

2. go to the gym at least four times. phil is already miles ahead of me in the "hot tampa 2006" contest.

3. have all of my classes prepped by wednesday. that would be (i mean, will be) sweet.

4. do additional research on jeremiah (for old testament) and wwi (for us history).

5. make some calls that i've been wanting to make, including my biological father, alan, who, for some reason, has called me several times in the past week or so after having called me probably three times previously in my entire life. very strange.

um...is there anything else? probably some playing basketball or tennis would be on this list if i didn't have grandma ankles. well, if you guys think of anything else, you can let me know.

last day of school before spring break. awesome.

i don't think there's any reason to hide it. i must be honest. i watch american idol. every week. both the performance show and the results show. wow.




this is my boy right here: elliot yamin. do i want him to win it all? yes. do i think he will win it all? absolutely not. he's a great singer, but he really just seems like very good person. in one of the clips last week, his mom said that she was proud of him, not so much because of his singing talent, but because he is, in her words, "a good soul." i'm not gonna lie. i got a little misty-eyed.




here's the one who i think, other than taylor hicks, probably deserves to win. incredible voice and will probably do well in the mainstream market.



if you want to know how i feel about kellie pickler, go to: www.votefortheworst.com



paris bennett is awesome. if she puts out some sort of jazz standards album, i will definitely buy it. or burn it. her first audition, which can be seen here: http://www.googlx.com/idolforever/media/video/paris-bennet-audition.mov ...is amazing. i don't think she'll win, but she's definitely quite a talent.





this guy, taylor hicks, is just ridiculous. easily the best performer in the show. he'll probably win. and it would be appropriate.





chris daughtry is a favorite and i don't understand why. i'm so bored with his rocker blah blah. i hope he gets voted off soon, but i don't see that happening.

whoops. i forgot ace young. oh well, he's really not worth mentioning. he's my pick to leave this week.



i know, i know. life is too short for this. maybe i'll stop watching if i find out they have tivo in heaven.

being a teacher is a strange combination of good and evil. yin and yang, if you will.

on the one hand, it's a very difficult job. your whole life is wrapped up in teaching. when you're not at school, you're preparing for classes or grading papers (if you're me, primarily preparing for classes), when you're not prepping or grading, you're calling parents or writing up students, when you're not doing that, you're at least thinking about school, reading books that will help you teach whatever subjects there are to teach, etc. and we haven't even mentioned sports yet.

on the other hand, being a teacher is cake. at least in a private school, you practically work for yourself. i mean, there are set hours you obviously need to be in school teaching, but your classroom is your domain. some teachers, of course, take this liberty way too far and slack off in their classes, but even responsible teachers concerned about the learning of the students have a tremendous amount of freedom and flexibility. even beyond the flexibility there are a lot of perks. for instance, for about a half an hour at least most days, i get to go play pick-up basketball games in the gym. and tomorrow, the 7th-12th graders are going to a minor league baseball game for the day and so that is what my whole day will consist of. pretty sweet. then there's the various weeks off (next week is our spring break) and the real kicker - 2 1/2 months off in the summer (although, most teachers have to get a different job during the summer because teachers don't make all that much, and even if they don't get a job, most good teachers spend a lot of time in the summer studying and preparing for the next school year, but that's beside the point). also, in another two weeks i'm going on the senior class trip to disney world. sure i make as much as i'd make working at wendy's and i'm completely uninsured and i have no 401k or retirement package, but hey, it's not all bad.

p.s. poker night is this friday at 7.30pm

walk off homer by loretta today! and ortiz had two homers, as well. life is good.

Acts 10.34-43

34Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism 35but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. 36You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, telling the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all. 37You know what has happened throughout Judea, beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached— 38how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him.

39"We are witnesses of everything he did in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They killed him by hanging him on a tree, 40but God raised him from the dead on the third day and caused him to be seen. 41He was not seen by all the people, but by witnesses whom God had already chosen—by us who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead. 42He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead. 43All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

tonight we went to the local dance club. yep, that's right. we went with tiffany's brother and sister and her brother's roommate. it's the first time i've ever been in there and it was strange to fully realize that a place like that is in our little laconia.

i'm still in rebellion against stupid fundamentalist christianity and so i'd like to be able to think that going to a place like that is not really a problem. i would still disagree with the reasons fundies would preach against going into places like that (appearance of evil, Christians should be "set apart" from those places, etc.), but now i've got whole new reasons to not go there. i would have to ask myself, "is this really a good thing for this community? is it good for laconia to have this dance club downtown?" i'd be open to possible reasons for the answer to those questions to be "yes," but until that day comes, i can't imagine wanting to spend money to support that place's existence.

i like dancing as much as the next guy, but it seems to generally be just a meat market. people go there to find someone to hook up with, or a place to forget about the difficulties of life, or maybe just to find a sense of community. in the right context, all good things. i'm sure every person has their own reasons. i just wish that it wasn't "the funky monkey" (yep, that's seriously its name) that was there to fill that void.

if only the church was there to meet these people. if only i was there to meet these people. what makes this all the more sad is that our local baptist church, which has been an historic presence in the center of laconia since the Alamo, is leaving their beautiful downtown building in order to move to the outskirts of the city so they can build a bigger building to have more space for their various programs. the church walks away with its marvelous light while the people close their eyes and rock on.

not a perfect parallel, but it reminds me of a water color on the inside lining of the lori chaffer solo album: there's a painting of a bar right next to a church. the sign outside of the bar says "open all day." the sign oustide the church says "open sunday 11:00 - 12:00."


40

"I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?"

-U2

i'm very excited about tonight. the high school students have tomorrow off. what is ridiculous about that, though, is that they don't have it off because of Good Friday, but because some company has donated free labor to the school. they're going to paint the high school, so everyone needs to be out. so not only does the school not help promote the following of the Christian calender, but it actually promotes people working on that day.

but this means that tonight i have no school work to do. it's nice not having the pressure of classes the next day. the only problem with a night off like that is that i feel this foolish need to fill that time with some activity. if i don't "do" something during my vactions, there's always this inner sense i feel that i've wasted the time. all week i experience the pressure of preparing for classes and all i long for is a night without responsibilities where i could do nothing, but then i'm given one of those nights and i feel i must do something.

matty and i always used to talk of that silly human tendency to put our hope for the day in something other than Christ. tonight i'm putting my hope in the red sox game.

is that people have actually been reading this thing. this excites me and concerns me. it excites me that people are actually interested enough in me and what i happen to be writing to check it. i suppose on some level it's always a good (but often selfish) feeling to have people focusing on you.

this of course means, however, that my fears i posted about before are coming true. people (myself included) are spending more time on their computers and there's all of the troubles that go along with that. this probably isn't a problem for those of you who are normal, but i have these ridiculous patterns in my "internet life." there are certain sites that i visit pretty much every time i go to my computer. if i actually sit down to a computer it is pretty much a garuntee that i'm at least going to my gmail and losetouch. that was true as of a week ago. now that i have this blog i've been consistently going to those two sites i already mentioned as well as a bunch of the blogs i have linked on this site, as well as some others, and i've found that i'm spending even more time checking losetouch, too. in other words, i'm noticing that the internet is becoming more of a time-consuming part of my life.

but alas, if i want to stay in touch with my friends, what else is there to do? we don't live in an ideal world, do we?

another strange thing about a blog is that, to some extent, it allows you the luxury of having other people read your writing without you necessarily saying anything excellently or having anything excellent to say. before the blog revolution, if you wanted people to pay attention to your writings, you either had to write a letter to specific people or you actually had to get published, which would require quite a bit of skill on your part. sorry folks. you're not gettin' any of that here.

there's been some really encouraging responses to the weekly meal idea. i talked to another friend of mine named krissy, who actually told me that she was wondering when i was going to start something like this. she and her fiance might be our fourth and fifth people to join us.

another thing i'm pretty excited about is that our beloved red sox are 5 - 1 so far this season, leading the A.L. East, while our good friends the yankees are wiping up the rear at 2 - 4. excellent.

well, if you read my post earlier this morning about church, you'd know that i want to be part of a community. i want to be a part of something bigger than myself. and i'd like for that something to be revolved around following Jesus, somehow.

tiffany and i have been discussing this type of thing and we've decided to actually take a step in that direction. we've made the simple decision that we're going to have a meal at our apartment once a week. whoever wants to come can come. that's it. it's not a huge step, but it's something. we don't know what will come of it. but we're thinking there's a good possibilty that other people around us (people we don't even know, most likely) are as dissatisfied with the fragmentation of modern life as much as we are and maybe they'd also like to be part of something communal. there's lots still to figure out, but life can't stay this way forever.

a friend of mine named ryan came over tonight (no, i'm not speaking in symbolic terms about thinking to myself or something...his name really is ryan) and we discussed this idea. he's the first person we've really seriously discussed this with and he's our first convert. we'll at least have three for a our weekly meals. it's a start.

"there's a hole in the world now. in the place where he was, there's now just nothing. a center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. only a gap remains. a perspective on this world unique in this world which once moved about within this world has been rubbed out. only a void is left. there's nobody now who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loves what he loved. a person, an irreplaceable person, is gone. never again will anyone apprehend the world quite the way he did. never again will anyone inhabit the world the way he did. questions i have can never now get answers. the world is emptier. my friend is gone. only a hole remains, a void, a gap, never to be filled."

-nicholas wolterstorff, lament for a son

tiffany and i are going to a new church today. well, not new. in fact, i've gone there many times. it's grace presbyterian, which is where my friend Rodney pastored for a long time. but the church is under new leadership, so of course the place has a different feel to it. i went last week and the preaching was amazing. he talked about the story of Jephthah in Judges. i learned a ton during the sermon, which are is a phrase that i have rarely uttered. if i were choosing a fellowship for the preaching alone, it would be an easy decision.

unfortunately, there's much more that goes into this kind of decision than that. ever since i've returned from my visit to ohio, i've been restless. visiting the landing place showed me just how rich a life church can provide. it seemed like a lot of the goodness of the college life (friends together all the time, shared meals, etc.) with all of the goodness of the church (formal worship, communion, prayer...i don't know if they have sermons, though?). any other church experience seems like it will pale in comparison. i'm starting to think that a church experience that is not also a community experience is not a real church experience.

so what does that mean for me? do i try to start my own church/community? here are some possible problems with that idea:

1. i don't have a house. a central meeting place is pretty important, it seems.
2. i don't know a whole lot of people, if anyone, who would also be interested in doing that.
3. theologically, i don't even know if that's okay for me to start some gathering a call it my church. my catholic friend jon would probably stop being my friend.

there are several other reasons, but you get the gist. another option is going to grace. here's the main problem with that: it doesn't seem like a real community. it seems like one of those places people go on sunday and where the ones who are really involved hang out with each other every few weeks. this isn't just a problem with grace, but really just about every church in our area.

then there's the salvation army option and the ebc option. i could make long pros and cons list for all of these possibilities, but that sounds a little boring for public consumption.

maybe the real question here is should i be posting this on losetouch where people could actually respond? maybe this is another reason why i shouldn't blog.

well, it's saturday morning and i'm at school. the principal decided not to schedule in any snow days this year, but rather make them up on saturdays. almost no kids show up to these days, so i'd rather come in for a few hours on a saturday than have to come in a couple extra days at the end of the school year. tiffany heartily disagrees.

on another note, i'm still not sure about blogging. i could compare this situation to eating meat or going to wendy's. i do it sometimes (well, eating meat frequently, but it's rare that i eat fast food), but there's always inner turmoil. "ryan, you realize what kind of industry you're supporting, don't you?" "ryan, why are you so weak willed?" "ryan, you know what those slaughter-houses are like, right?" "ryan, God didn't tell you to 'rise up, kill and eat.'" "ryan, Jesus hates you." blogging conjures up similar kinds of feelings.

blogs encourage everyone to spend more time on their computers...more time away from people and nature. also, as phil has pointed out, often people have this ridiculous idea that they are really connecting with you by reading your blog. or they think they can actually "stay in touch" with you by going to your website. it's a sad lie that destroys countless families and communities.

on the other hand, someone might say, "but what about people that can't see you? isn't it a good way for them to stay in touch, even if on a meager, sub-human level?" i suppose. but it seems to add to the overall sense that it doesn't matter how close you are to me because technology will magically keep us connected. do i want to add to that sense by allowing people to read my blog and feel like they're "in touch" with me? am i not encouraging the lie to continue by keeping up this blog? and even if i'm not encouraging it, i'm certainly not raging against it, right? i don't know.


i miss my family and my friends.

www.harlanhubbard.com

In an attempt to be hip, I've created this blog. Unfortunately, having a blog was only hip about seven years ago.